Blame TV for Your Fat, Drunk 11-Year-Old's STD

With exams around the corner (my first is a week from today), I have much less time to post. For the next three weeks, blogging will be lighter than usual. Since studying all day isn't my favorite thing to do, there's a good chance I'm a bit more testy than usual. So when I caught this article on CNN.com the other day, I about tossed my laptop out the window. I'll share my favorite parts along with a little commentary of my own.


"Inappropriate advertising contributes to many kids' ills, from obesity to anorexia, to drinking booze and having sex too soon, and Congress should crack down on it, the American Academy of Pediatrics says."

Bullshit, but whatever. I wanna know how television can cause both anorexia AND obesity? And what's the problem with anorexia anyway?

"Advertising examples cited in the statement include TV commercials for sugary breakfast cereals and ... ads for Viagra and other erectile dysfunction drugs shown during televised sports games"

I'm pretty sure kids aged 2-6 aren't the NFL's target audience, but explain to me how ED drug advertisements affect children. First off, a five year old can't even pronounce "erectile dysfunction", let alone figure out what it is. Second, those commercials don't ever advocate promiscuity among young people. Have you even seen a young person in a Viagra commercial? And third, I'm pretty sure kids do the opposite of what their parents do anyway.

"These pervasive ads influence kids to demand poor food choices, and to think drinking is cool, sex is a recreational activity and anorexia is fashionable, the academy says."

Drinking, recreational sex, and anorexia ARE cool and fashionable. So really these ads are just educational. You don't really wanna lie to your kids, do you?

"In response, the academy says doctors should ask Congress and federal agencies to:

• ban junk-food ads during shows geared toward young children;

It's definitely your kids' fault for eating junk food and not your fault for buying it for them.

• limit commercial advertising to no more than 6 minutes per hour, a decrease of 50 percent;

Interesting concept. I'm all for less commercials. That way, kids can watch even more of their favorite G.I Joe or Power Ranger or whatever the hell they watch these days brutally shoot, kill, maim, and generally beat the shit out of other cartoon characters.

• restrict alcohol ads to showing only the product, not cartoon characters or
attractive young women

Yes. It all comes down to attractive young women - those little devils with great bodies and short skirts. If only they had watched all these vile advertisements when they were younger, they'd be obese, too, and we wouldn't have this problem.


ENOUGH! Now you've crossed the line. Blame anything else for all that's wrong with you. Hell, blame me. But don't blame attractive young women. They're the only material objects that are any good in this sad, superficial world.

I grew up on G.I. Joe, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Tom and Jerry, and all the other sweet shows that existed before everything got pussified into Barney. And I turned out okay for the most part. I rarely get the urge to impale Shredder with a dagger or two anymore (Raphael was cool, but rude!). Plus, without G.I. Joe, I wouldn't know so much valuable shit (and knowing is half the battle). Like, for years I cut up the rings on plastic six-pack holders so little fishes wouldn't get their stinky heads stuck in them and die. Hell, my parents threw law darts and shot rifles when they were kids.

So my question is this: how is it possible that we shelter and censor more and more each year and yet we manage to find more and more wrong with America's youth? How many more things are we going to find to blame before someone steps up and starts telling YOU it's YOUR fault your kid is fat, drunk, and diseased by age 11? It's more than a little ironic that parents are supposed to teach children how to take responsibility for their actions yet can't do so themselves. It's hypocritical and grossly irresponsible.

Geeez... okay I'm done ranting now. Just leave me alone with my cool beer and fashionable anorexic chick.