Tuesday, August 29, 2006


Dear Europe,

Your behavior is unacceptable.

Earlier today, a couple of your Dutch cohorts managed to take a perfectly good name "football" for a perfectly good sport (soccer) and make it sound like the everybody-wins-for-playing-and-we-don't-keep-score-because-competition-is-the-devil game that most of America thinks it is. Trying to get a game together, the Dutchmen-in-question invited me to play a little "footy."

Wait... "footy"? Seriously?? I'm in Belgium, not an Amsterdam whorehouse. This is the kind of crap that people get beat up for. No wonder the world referred to Belgium as Germany's screen door to Paris during WWII. And France, you're not off the hook either. As if the Maginot Line wasn't dumb enough already, you thought these guys would hold up your border? Wow. No wonder you got trampled.

It's clear you all need help, but fear not. I'm here to provide it. Your entire continent needs a few more F-150s and a few less fendered Schwinns. Take a PBR-and-McCormick boilermaker down a beer bong. Chug a bottle of Jack. And while you're at it, slap some chick on the ass. In short, MAN UP!!

And then come talk to me about football.

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